Commit and Train

In my normal non-committal form, I have neglected this blog. And I am sorry to myself for not sticking to it. But it’s time to move on; I am training for another half marathon. Earlier this year when I posted my victory post about finishing my first half marathon, someone left this in a comment “Wish you had started this blog earlier so that you could've written about your training experiences!!” So, this time I plan to record the process, the struggles and the wins. I want to inspire others, sure, but primarily I need to inspire myself.

Last week was week 1 of training, and it was not a good week. I had a horrible run,  I cramped up a quarter mile in and just struggled the whole way. There was instant fear that followed thoughts like “Can I actually do this? Miami was kind of a miracle.” As I was running I was trying to figure out what was going on. I felt as though I was starting from scratch even though I ran 4 miles the previous week. I came to the conclusion that I was not respecting this new training. Running with sneakers that need to be retired, an arm band falling apart after years of good work, my shorts were too high and I could not run comfortably. Not to mention, I did not properly hydrate the days before and a half ass warm up.

A week later, today I went on my second run. This weekend was a hard weekend and I used it as an excuse to not train. But, this morning the excuses ran out. I realized if I did not respect this training, I should stop now, and honestly, I already told too many people about my goals, to quit. I ran with those same old sneakers and busted armband.  Ran past the discomfort, slow and steady. And I ended strong, felt as though I could tack on some more mileage.

 
Like my lack of commitment to this blog I fear not truly committing to my training. I am training in a different atmosphere. Last year I worked with runners and spent time outside of work with runners; we were all training for the same race. That support was undeniably the fuel I ran on. Last year I didn’t have the current obligations that preoccupy my mind. Last year training was new and exciting. But, what I do have this year is the knowledge that I have done this before, and theoretically, I can do it again. I just hope that’s enough.

Black, Gifted and Gay

I have been working (in my head and scraps of paper and emails to myself) on a blog about technology for a while. Trying to figure out what do I want to write, what is the purpose and what do I want to take away from it, is the reason it still isn’t up and this is not it. However, I did feel compelled to write about something else this week.

Reflections of an Overly Reflective Person
April (technically started a week or so before my birthday, so let’s say March and April) has been the most topsy turvy month. I felt I was constantly planning for something big and doing something different- very little routine. And I LOVE routine. So that may have something to do with my inability to put that tech blog together- but moving on…

I got a book in the mail the other day titled Black, Gifted and Gay. It was not what I expected- I expected more narration and storytelling about the lives of people, who those three words describe. It’s more like a coffee table book. So, I am flipping through it, as I wait at a bar, reading the first few pages and my mind makes a connection and I start thinking of Barbara Jordan’s Keynote Address to the DNC in 1976.

I read about Ms. Jordan a few years ago when I was looking for a speech to recite at Adelphi’s annual African American Read-In. I read that speech and was in love- because her vision of America was the same as mine. But what triggered her as I was sitting at the bar was that recently, I learned that Barbara was a lesbian. In the opening of her address she states “There is something special about tonight. What is different? What is special? I, Barbara Jordan, am a keynote speaker.” And at that moment at the bar I realized OMG she wasn’t only referring to being the first African American woman to give the key note address, she is also a lesbian African American woman giving the DNC keynote address. And I was just instantly proud, but mostly encouraged.

After a month of feeling out of control and a week of feeling incompetent- I had that realization that I am not the first to be here- but greatness is possible. I am strong. I am capable. I am smart. I can be a Barbara Jordan or find myself on the pages of Black, Gifted and Gay volume 4.  And this is why books like this exist. Reminding us that greatness has to be achieved by someone, why can’t it be us.

In the America Ms. Jordan describes we are a community. A community uplifting and supporting each other, that is how barriers are broken- and rereading her speech reminded me that I believe in that too. Not only for me but for the many communities I belong to.

I am just happy to take a moment to reflect on this and share my reflections.

I wish this was like a more interactive blog- I would love to ask and hear of some of the people that others relate to, that make them see that the world is full of “endless possibilities”.

Reflections from turning Late 20's.

The Thursday night/Friday morning before my birthday I was restless couldn't get any sleep- full of list of things to do- so I did some things, including emailing the coordinator at the restaurant my birthday brunch was supposed to take place on Saturday morning. Since it was 3 am, I did not get a response until much much later. After exchanging a series of annoying emails with the coordinator- I called her, only to find out she could not accomodate my large group. So, I canceled the birthday celebration. With a very heavy heart, I felt horrible canceling barely 24 hours in advance. But there was also a sense of relief, I just had so much to do, that it seemed perfect that I had the next day to clean and pack (mostly clean) as I prepared to go away 2 days after my birthday.

When I told everyone about the canceled plans- I was overwhelmed with request to simply, do something else. It is no easy feat to find a place to accomodate 25+ people for the following day- and I just didn't have it in me to go through all that, and put the stress back on.

So my besties told me don't plan a thing- they will give me a time and location and I should just be there.
My cousins and brother were still planning to celebrate, even if it was at ihop, and it also seemed, even if I wasn't there.

So these were my new birthday plans.

Right after midnight a friend calls and tells me he is about to go to a party, and he'll have a drink in my honor. And a light bulb went off in my head, I asked "can you take a picture and send it to me?"

And the idea was born- I asked my friends and family that were supposed to be at my birthday and some others that couldn't make it to send me pictures of them celebrating my birthday.

And it just made my day so much better. On top of my awesome lunch, my thoughtful dinner (and gifted macaroons, because I will be missing macaroon day), the pictures, video and messages that accompanied them was like a never ending celebration. I don't know what to do with these pictures and the messages- a fb status isn't enough- I fear this blog may not be enough, but for now it's the best idea I have, short of printing them all and putting them into some sort of book.

The point of it all is, my birthday was absolutely perfect although it was all "wrong". It was filled with so much love and appreciation going in every direction. I sat back and let my loved ones do something for me, let go of some control and it was all ok. Better than ok. Filled with love and gratitude.

This video is on fb. Singing Everbody Knows. I'm all about anything John.

They were driving to DC. 

We share a birthday.

 He has never had a macaroon before- he's welcome.

 Getting stuff done on my bday.

Just funny.

I'm a Runner!

I want to explain what this non-resolution- resolution is all about. I love to write. I wanted to be a fiction writer when I was younger, amongst other things. When I was mulling over putting up a fb status for the new year, I decided I should blog it instead. Then a light bulb came on in my head and I thought I should blog the whole year. It will get me writing again, while chronicling my best year thus far (putting it out there). This blog is not intended to be a diary with my day to day activities. I am not sure what it is because it is not genuine if I only report the wonderful things that have occurred, but I am not willing to discuss my struggles here either. We will see what this becomes. I just hope it isn't boring.

So, we are a month into the new year and boy oh boy did I start it with a bang. I ran a freaking half marathon in Miami!!! I am usually very cautious of throwing around "I am a runner" but it is official, I am adding that to my resume; how exactly would I go about doing that? Would it go under skills?- "Can run away from aggressive clients?" Anyways- yea did that.

For the whole month I was a ball of knots around this race. Thoughts of "will I be able to finish, if I do, will it take me so long I will get picked up by the 'slow bus' [that's when they pick you up cause you are taking too long and they want to reopen the roads for the good people of Miami]?" But none of that happened, I ran the whole thing (most of it- got tricky after mile 10). Took me 2:52 to complete- but that is awesome because I know I can beat that time my next half (always finding that silver lining).

And this experience inspired me- or rather motivated me. I want to run faster, stronger and healthier. So I need to make some lifestyle changes. Of course, running more, strength training at the gym, but the scariest, hardest, damn near torturous part is- I need to eat better. Now, I know myself- I will not get the salad instead of the mac and cheese for a side. I needed to do something realistic for me. So, I did the total opposite of realistic and joined an office challenge to bring in lunch every day- I stacked that challenge by adding I had to make everything I brought. Starts Feb 1st- wish me luck.

My lack of resolution allows me to roll with the punches. I may lose some weight while doing this challenge, I may meet someone in the next year, I may even win the lotto (even though I do not play)- but I know for sure I will feel great doing what feels good and right, hanging on to my moments of achievement and working towards creating more moments like those.

Here's to a month of cooking lunches- gym workouts and other stuff that I cannot predict.

Welcome 2015

The ramblings of early morning new year thoughts:

2014 was a great year for me. Went to the motherland for the first time (well technically second, been to Labadee, the Haitian island Royal Caribbean owns). Went away for the first time alone ever (Houston Tx, still counts). Visited the West Coast for the first time ever (no clause here). And of course 100 Days of Happy! Those are the things I think Facebook will collage together in a 15 second snippet of my year.

But the things that made this year amazing was working at a job I actually really like, doing it well, and getting acknowledged for it. Feeling that I was doing something when I volunteered. Seeing my niece and spending quality time with her for the first time in years. Jumping around on trampolines with my family. Seeing one of my favorite movies on Broadway (Roger & Hammerstein's Cinderella). Pizza nights with friends, pizza nights with cousins- pizza was very important this year.

I also have been very impressed with myself. Being more honest about what I want, like and need. Being able to afford a quick trip to South Carolina to be there for a friend. Trusting the people around me to see me as the crazy fool I am. Deciding to run a half marathon- a dream I never saw coming to realization. My passion for justice was reactivated this year. Unfortunate how that came about, but I am happy it did, I was scared I had become complacent and apathetic. #yearofresistance #newyearsamefocus #blacklivesmatter . I let go of some bad interpersonal habits (a biggie). Came out on the other side of some spiritual unrest, although it isn't perfect, I have peace where I am. Finally went to the dentist, cause I am a big girl and big girls aren't scared! 

So I am not going to say something crazy like "new year new me" or list out a bunch of things I want to change/do*. I think I am on a pretty good track. I am going to continue being honest with myself and others, work on being more present and hopefully things just keep going how they have been; good, better, best. 

* This blog post is kinda a resolution, kinda not.

** This TED TALK really changed my life and the way I see it. Happiness isn't something we seek and find- happiness is a choice, all about perspective.